Wax Play Bottoming Guide

Note: I’ve written the latter part of this for wax play but it is equally applicable to bottoming for other forms of play.

A Quick Glossary for Newbies

• A top is the person who is the ‘doer’, provides stimulation to the bottom, I.e the one who applies the wax
• A bottom is the receiver, receives stimulation, has the wax applied to them. 

Bottoming Skills

There is occasionally the idea in the BDSM world that bottoming is about passivity and that it is the top’s job to ‘do the things’ to the bottom. However, there are deliberate skills involved in bottoming intentionally. Bottoms require self-knowledge - an intentional bottom knows their why, their wants, needs, limits, triggers and can express and negotiate these prior to play. They know their physical limitations. They can communicate and interact during scenes with their top. They also require a particular mindset - an intentional bottom can manage pain or intensify it by employing breathing practices. There is significant skill involved in connecting our mind with our body to process the physical state of each body part during a scene, in mentally ‘leaning into’ sensation and increasing responsiveness, and in either uncensoring our responses and uncoupling from what is considered socially acceptable in public, or deliberately expressing an emotion a particular way to augment a scene. These are not often explicitly talked about, but they are important, and come with education and practice.

Why Do I Bottom?

Knowing your why is important for any form of kink play, as this governs your experiences and expectations. What kind of bottom are you? Are you new and just want to try out sensations? Do you bottom to experience particular emotions or feelings such as lust, helplessness, objectification, luxuriation, being desired and wanted by another, being nurtured? Do you bottom to experience particular roles, e.g. brat, cherished possession, servant, object, captive, primal, princess? Do you bottom for stimulation, intensity and sensory overwhelm, or do you bottom for stillness, calmness and serenity?

The same ‘why’ applies to wax play. Are you bottoming as a brat to thwart your top at every turn? (Try blowing out their candles, works every time!) Are you luxuriating in being pampered and the feeling of being massaged? Does it switch your brain off, or hype it up? Do you use your body like a canvas, eagerly awaiting the next brush stroke? Or are you the type of bottom who quivers in anticipation for the next slide of hot wax across your most sensitive areas, blurring the line between pleasure and pain? Or are you bottoming restrained, unable to move, awaiting a spate of splatters or that slow, constant drip you cannot escape from?

Tops have their ‘why’ for topping. It is equally important as a bottom to know your ‘why’ and express that to a top during discussions so that you can co-create scenes that meet both your needs.

A note about PRICK: Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

While many in the kink world are familiar with SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink), PRICK emphasizes personal responsibility. As bottoms, we have an obligation to be informed, to understand the risks of the activities we engage in, and to take responsibility for communicating our needs, limits, and physical or emotional considerations. It’s not just about giving consent. It’s about understanding what we’re consenting to, preparing ourselves accordingly, and being active participants in keeping play ethical and safe. Consent can be withdrawn at any time during a scene, but it cannot be withdrawn afterwards - that’s regret. 

Know Thyself - Questions to Ask Yourself

• What do you want to get out of a wax play scene? (See above!) Do you have any ideas for particular scenes?
• What is your prior experience with wax play? It’s completely ok to be new, however, your top needs to know this so they can adjust accordingly.
• Did you want to combine any other play with wax? Some people like to include hot/cold temperature play using ice or water, body painting, massage etc.
• What is your usual level of heat tolerance? Do you have showers from the fiery depths of hell, or do you prefer a more tepid temperature?
• Are there any areas where you do not want wax applied?
• Are there any areas that you do not wish to be touched? The top may need to touch you to check the temperature, or to augment their play, or to provide different sensations.
• Are there any areas that are particularly sensitive where the top may need to proceed with caution?
• How do you want the wax to be removed? Some people will not want knives, others will prefer a knife. There are many different options for wax removal.
• Are you comfortable with spectators? (Usually at a party or event)
• Are you comfortable with being photographed or videoed? If yes, should your face be shown or should it be anonymous? What body parts/angles do you prefer?
• What level of nudity are you comfortable with?
• Are there any particular situations that may trigger you and what will you do if that happens? What should your top do if that happens?
• How do you process sensations, including pain? This is particularly important if you are including elements of sadism into your play. For example, I process pain and sensation differently depending on my own headspace. I gasp at particularly hot pours on sensitive areas and breathe into pain, deliberately lowering my head if I can, closing my eyes and taking deep, deliberate breaths in meditative-like practice. Others may elicit giggles and squirms, or swear words and growls aimed at my top if I’m in a particularly bratty or primal space and am restrained. Knowing how you process is important for both you and your top. (As a side note: it’s also important to accept it)
• What does subspace look like for you? This may not be the forefront of the mind but wax play does have the capacity to put a bottom into subspace. You need to explain what that looks like for you to your top so they know what to expect if it occurs. For example, I will often go non-verbal when I go into space, which limits my ability to communicate.
• What do you need for aftercare? After care will look different for each person.

Questions to Ask Your Top

• What is your level of experience?
• What do you enjoy about wax?
• Did you have any particular scene ideas in mind?
• What type of candles or wax application do you use, what temperature range are they and what are the ingredients?
• How do you prefer to communicate with your bottom and check in on them?
• How do you prefer to remove wax?
• What aftercare do you prefer to provide?

Negotiation is Co-creation

Negotiation isn’t just a box-ticking exercise. It’s a real conversation between you and your top where you both bring your desires, boundaries and ideas to the table. Talk about what you’re hoping to feel or explore, and listen to what excites them too. This back-and-forth builds trust, sparks creativity, and helps shape a scene that works for both of you. The best play isn’t one-sided at all, it’s co-created to meet the needs of all parties involved. 

It’s important to be an active participant in scene design and negotiate with each other to determine compatibility from a play perspective and to ensure that everyone is on board with safety considerations and expectations.

Medical/Personal Considerations

Wax isn’t ’part’ of a scene. It IS a scene. There’s risks involved and it’s important to do a self-check on your own medical and personal considerations 

• Do you have any allergies? E.g. soy, almond oil, coconut oil. Different candles have different ingredients in them.
• Do you have asthma? Candle smoke can aggravate asthma symptoms
• Do you have any medical conditions? E.g. poor circulation, dizziness, epilepsy, Raynaud’s phenomenon, heart conditions, anything that may affect heat tolerance?
• Do you have any skin conditions, such as eczema, psoriasis, rashes? These areas will need to be avoided.
• Do you have physical limitations that may make holding particular body positions difficult?
• Do you have any muscular or joint injuries that may be painful or overly sensitive? Acutely or chronically painful muscles, tendons and joints can be hypersensitive to heat application over the area.
• Are you on any medications or substances that may cause skin sensitivity, altered states, drowsiness or changes in pain tolerance? This includes alcohol. Play should not be performed under the influence.
• Do you have any tattoos or piercings? Fresh tattoos and piercings should be avoided. Metal may heat under wax in piercings.
• Have you had laser hair removal or any other procedure done within the last two weeks? Wax should be avoided in these areas.
• For uterus-owning individuals - Know your cycle. Pain tolerance and skin sensitivity changes with phases, and tolerance is usually highest in the follicular phase.
• Know your own mental/physica/emotional state on the day of play as this will affect your ability to tolerate certain types of play or temperatures.
• Is there anything in particular that is a known trigger for you for past trauma, e.g. smoke, heat, claustrophobia, knives.

Communication as a Bottom

• You must be comfortable as a bottom with communicating honestly and clearly with your top. They are relying on your verbal feedback as well as your body language to gauge your enjoyment of the play, as well as your level of comfort. They aren’t mind readers, even if they have wonderful observational skills.
• The traffic light system applies here as it does to many aspects of BDSM play. Green = the temperature and area is good, proceed as usual. Yellow = nearing limit, move away from that area, reduce temperature. Red = Stop Play. End Scene Immediately. Communicate the issue at the time if you can.
• If you cannot use your voice for some reason, e.g. wearing a ball gag, determine a different system of communication, such as taps, foot stamps etc.
• ALWAYS communicate if the temperature is too hot, if there is excessive pain, if there is burning, itching, a reaction, inappropriate splashing (e.g. in eyes) or anything that is abnormal.

After Scenes

• Know yourself and what you need after scenes, what drop looks like for you and how to manage it, if you have experienced it before.
• Allow your top to perform aftercare as negotiated. They often need aftercare as much as a bottom does.
• Monitor your body and skin for signs of sensitivity or burns and treat accordingly

Hopefully this has been informative! This is by no means an exhaustive list, and I will continually add to it. Please comment if you have any other suggestions.

El x